Renewing the Vows

8 years of my life. Every weekend. My time belonged to you. And how well you taught me. A new trick every day. A new language to express what could not be uttered.And then the inevitable happened. I got bored. I moved on. In pursuit of experimentation. But I did not forget you entirely. Once a Yellow Venus, we'd meet. Reminisce about the old times, try to remember the old moves. Oh how we moved together. The flirting would get out of hand. 1-2 months of intense passion and then we'd go our separate ways again. But the reunions continued. Increasingly sporadic, declining in number. Until one day, we stopped planning the reunions. Someone would throw a party and we would bump into each other. A one night stand. Weary bodies the next day. energized souls. Always so much fun - we would, we could. I should.

So I'm trying again. To renew the vows. To put every artifact in my life on the bottom (or top) shelf and make way for you in the middle shelf. Where I can see you, I can feel you - reach out and touch you every other day and you can shape me again. I am taking it slow. You've grown so much, I need the time to understand how you've branched out. So many styles, one strong defiant persona - on a mission to get the world moving. 

Dance, you're about to re-enter my life. Welcome back.

Limbs moving in all directions

Feet acquiring a life of their own

Hands running to keep pace

The head bobs up and down

The curls flying in all directions

The heart is ready to leap out of the ribcage and land on the floor

The pulse, quickening with every sway of my hips

I am dancing, remembering, forgetting, living.

The music is too loud, it’s perfect

As it hammers away to glory inside my head

It drowns out the unnecessary noise within me

And I am so calm, so peaceful

Glad to have found silence within this chaos

My tongue licks my dry lips

Sweat drops sliding down my fluid skin

The feet move faster, the hands making waves in the air

The fingers, a mad blur among the psychedelic lights

The eyes stay closed, the ears stay open

The body contorting, twisting, adjusting

Driving out all the old creaks

Getting fitter and weary

Yes, the feet are aching now

The lips are thirsting for a drink

The arms feel numb

But my soul refuses to stop

Dance it will, till the end

And once the song ends, a new one will begin without a pause

And come what may

I will dance forever. 

How Free Are You?

I wake up bleary eyed, having stayed up till dawn to work on an official presentation. I grab a quick shower, skip breakfast and run straight to the conference room – the journey in between merely a tension-filled blur. I sit through the meeting, hearing only the first word of every sentence (or paragraph) uttered.  Time moves backward and two hours later, I am still at the meeting. Sleep is approaching like a raging bull and I hearing nothing anymore; not even the sound of my own twenty five year old stomach growling with hunger.

A few kilometers away, I, in a torn dress with a mud caked face, play on the dusty pavement. Men and machines of all shapes, sizes and colors zip by but my entire attention is directed towards the almost deflated balloon in my hand. I throw it up in the air, carefully tracking its descent with my eyes and open my arms to capture it safely. I am joyfully oblivious to any and every sound around me, including that of my own five year old stomach growling with hunger.

How Free are You?

Freedom – have I inherited it, do I deserve it or should I learn to earn it? Wise men say that freedom is the power to make choices and implement them. I made the choice to get an MBA degree and have a cushy corporate job. I am financially free and boy, the respect feels good. But, does that imply that my life is free from routine, deadlines and a serious lack of eccentric thinking? I can choose to marry for love, or money, but am I free from fearing for my loved ones’ safety? I can choose to wear any dress I want, but does that guarantee that an Eve-teaser on the road will not take a passing interest in me? I can choose to travel the world but do I have enough money to journey to the end of space? I can choose my own God but does that free me from a sudden bout of atheism? I can choose to pursue a higher educational degree but will that truly free me from ignorance? I can choose to be happy but does that free me from the memory of a sadder time? I can choose to own property but will that free me from the risk of theft or a natural disaster? I can choose to fight for my rights but will a lawsuit ensure that I will always emerge victorious? I can choose to vote for my own representative but will that help me escape from the unending political scams? And finally, I can choose to live how I want, but does that free me from lifestyle diseases, filial expectations and friendly advice?

From my random musings above, a few concrete points emerge. Freedom is not uni-dimensional, neither is it absolute. Freedom, usually, is also the sum total of opposing forces.  Any decision that I take upholds my freedom in one manner and annihilates it in another. The day that I give birth to a child, I will be free to be a mother but boardroom meetings may cease to be on my agenda.

Another interesting thought- The answer to ‘How Free Are You’ cannot be determined only with respect to external pressures – Society may give me my space but can I ever escape from the noisy debates that my Id, Ego and Super Ego constantly engage in?

In light of the above startling revelations, a generalized formula can be deduced for the purpose of calculating a personal freedom score, which I have coined as HFAY. The rather useful quotient can be calculated before or after any significant, life-changing moment, or whenever you are feeling particularly bored and have nothing better to do.

How Free Are You (HFAY) = Total Freedom Amount Carried Forward (from birth) + Positive Freedom due to New Decision/Event – Negative freedom due to New decision/Event – Social Menace – Stupid Inner Voice

Empirical research to support the above formula will be shown in subsequent posts which may never arise.

If freedom was a cherished ideal, why do laws and regulations exist? Why doesn’t complete anarchy equate Utopia? The bitter truth is that freedom went ahead and donned different avatars, when we weren’t looking. I have attempted to categorize the triplet under relevant nomenclature:

Oxygen Freedom (OF) – What is basic, fundamental and essential.

Chocolate Freedom (CF) - What we crave for but can do without.

Drunk Driving Freedom (DDF) – What we might enjoy but will definitely kill us.

The HFAY score can now also be calculated as the sum total of three different personal freedom scores as shown below:

HFAY = 100 * (How Oxygen Free are You) + 30 * (How Chocolate Free Are You) -30 * (How Drunk Driving Free Are You)

Each of the three elements can be calculated separately, according to the HFAY formula illustrated earlier. Please note that a weight of 100% has been allocated to OF because well, anything less than 100% would result in death of body, mind and soul. 30% weight has been given to CF because even though we can do without it, life wouldn’t be half as fun. And finally a negative weight of 30% has been allocated to DDF to remind us that this particular joyride is harming not only us but the lives and peace of others as well.

Whenever I spot an eagle soaring across the azure sky, I wish I had wings. But my human body has deprived me of the freedom to grow feathers. As a matter of fact, the greatest obstacle to freedom is ironically, life itself.