If I Was An Elephant

 If I was an Elephant

My massive trunk I'd swing

Run straight into a forest lake

Shower myself and sing

If I was a Deer

My beautiful eyes would see

The dewdrops on the morning petal

And all of nature's bounty

If I was a Monkey

I'd leap and never fall

Mischief in each step

Laughter in every call

If I was a Lion

I'd roar loud and steady

Call out to my lionesses

Food would always be ready

If I was a Leopard

I'd camouflage my spots

Chase gazelles and zebras alike

And always protect my lot

If I was an Eagle

I'd soar in the majestic sky

I'd visit hidden lands

and watch rivers run dry

If I was a Dolphin

I'd cartwheel in the sea

Dance around in my school

And give hugs for free

If I was a Cockroach

Sleep would be miles away

I'd roam kitchens at night

sample tasty tidbits all day

If I was a Polar Bear

The majestic glaciers I'd view

Fight with penguins now and then

Make a friend or two

If I was a Koala Bear

I'd grab a tree tight

Enthrall you with my adorable face

Hang peacefully all night

If I was a Panda cub

I'd practice the art of kung fu

Bamboo shoots, the weapon of choice

for Dragon Warrior part two

Alas! I am but a Human

And I can do ALL of the above

but instead I sit here sighing

wishing for a life I'd love.​

The League of Crazy Relatives

Corruption, poverty, nuclear warfare, pollution - these ills of man-made society pale in comparison to the biggest nemesis threatening an individual's survival today. Yes, where there is a will there are a hundred relatives. And where there are a hundred relatives, there is the last shred of sanity, the last sliver of peace hanging on to a rocky cliff more eager to let go than to be rescued.

We have been blessed with parents who have tolerated us since the first day they saw our howling, scrawny, crimson face. And we have siblings who have tested our levels of tolerance as much as we've abused theirs. You would think that these elements are enough to constitute a happy family formula but no - the moment you have your back turned you will be barraged with a horde of relatives whose social manifesto has a simple one point agenda - Irritate. And just when you've had enough, irritate some more.

I mean no offense to the lucky beings who have been blessed with cousins and relatives who have sacrificed their usual demeanor to turn over a new leaf - basically act like normal human beings. But in my limited social experience, I have come to associate relatives with the following concepts - money, property litigation, juvenile rumors, wedding harassment,uncomfortable questions, needless intervention, envy, condascension, unjustified politeness, superficial laughter, hilarious hypocrisy and of course, inherent irritation. I wouldn't be surprised if the next movie on Batman has the Dark Knight fighting the most sinister force of all - his distant, high pitched aunt who just didn't keep as much distance as required.

It is beyond my comprehension that when each of us have enough troubles of our own, why would we bother to create trouble in the already complicated lives of others? Does dishing out ill treatment to another make our problems simpler? Especially, when you are harming individuals within the social construct of the so called extended family, is there a divine kick that one obtains from being a pain in the wisdom tooth (the worst pain ever)? If all doctors are meant to have illegible handwriting, are all relatives meant to be equally wicked? Is it a universal black hole from which no relative can escape and rise?

This web of relatives is nothing but an intricate chain meant to slow us down and keep us entangled forever in conversations that deserve no words. For all you fortunate ones who have benign relatives, do get back to your blessed lives, live happily and let live. And for all you empathetic, eye-rolling ones who understand my predicament, I have one advice - leave them all behind in their petty squabbles and go make your own family. One you would be proud to call your own and who would stand by you even as you trip over your own clumsy feet. Because most often in life, we don't even need others to pull us down, we are too busy doing it to ourselves.

My aforementioned suggestion does not encourage indulgence in unfettered population expansion. All it asks for is an exercise in the freedom of choice.You spend over an hour trying to select the perfect pair of denims - so do take some time out to choose who you would want to surround yourself and be associated with, for the rest of your rather puzzling life. 

Even a dog circling the street lamp outside can prove to be a better companion, relatively speaking.

A Dummy's Guide to Scuba Diving

I dived. I breathed. I conquered. Every moment of that aquatic dream is still alive in my head. Yet, I somehow couldn't bring myself to pen it down and give it a squiggly shape. I assumed it was because of my neurotic laziness but today it struck me - I didn't write about the experience so far because I didn't want to simply describe it as a series of actions that acts as a tourist bible or an adventurous advertisement or a blogger's babble. Actually, I couldn't fathom the correct way to showcase it. But today, in the depths of my deep sighs, I know the right path - the light at the end of the tunnel has illuminated its walls and lo and behold !, a silver shoe glitters on the railway track - let my heart guide my words, as my thoughts float to the surface lazily but defiantly.

The dive will always represent phenomena that I never knew existed.

The phenomenon of hearing your breath as a living creature in itself - do you know how loud, how impatient, how magnificent your breath truly is? As you inhale and exhale, baby bubbles do their drunken dance and collide with sun drops creating a visual representation of your respiration. You suck air from the oxygen tube like it is your last gasp of air - your nose is silent and your mouth does all the hard work. And when your mouth gets tired and dry after only a few minutes of excercise, you finally thank the lord for creating that pyramid on your face, standing tall with two gateways, - nose and nostrils hurrah!

The phenomenon of feeling like a humbled outsider - having entered into a world to which you do not naturally belong, you behave like a nervous guest, excited to be invited and apprehensive about fitting in. As the fish swim around you, you feel judged - as much as you admire their colors and strokes, you know that you are the one being scrutinized today. And for the first time as a human being on this planet, you take every step with care, careful so as to not disturb the awe-inspiring beauty around you - to which you have frankly contributed nothing. You are there just as a mere spectator, watch and leave.

The phenomenon of feeling so light and incredibly heavy at the same time. As the pressure of the depths fights to keep you out of its emerald chambers, the pain in your ear is the weight of the world. You are taught to 'swallow and exhale' but no amount of 'equalizing the pressure' will remove the heaviness that threatens to push you straight up, out of the watery world. And then there's the lightness - of your limbs, your muscles. When you focus on your hands, your feet cease to exist. And when its time to move those flippers, your hands have vanished and you really don't know what purpose they are meant to serve. And when you absorb the view through your sponge like head, body-amnesia gets the better of you and all that you are for one split second, is one happily floating head.

The phenomenon of silence, of struggle and peace, of staying alert and succumbing to dreams all in the same moment - of finally accepting that the sky of the fishes is a tad bit bluer than our horizon. You wonder why the coral reef look more alive than the fish, you wonder if civilization began with the drowning of an artist who splashed his multi-hued paintbrush around while struggling to stay afloat - splattering a thousand fish with a million colors in the process. You wonder where the fish are going, you wonder where your life is headed, you wonder why you are alive to begin with. You wonder at creation as you brush past destruction.

So much to wonder about, so much to surrender to, your mind is racing and awfully still at the same time - as you drift uncontrollably, all in a whirlpool moment of a Scuba Dive.

Love is textual, not actual.

A wise man named Confucius once asked ' Can there be a love that does not make demands on its object'? Unconditional love is often epitomized by maternal love but every time that a mother makes a sacrifice for her child, does it not reduce the love that she displays for her own self, her own needs, interests or ambitions? Or is love only a gesture that we bestow upon others and not so much upon our own selves? The truth is Love is textual, not actual - text being a representation of a written (or unwritten) language; a reference point to define the abstract, illusionary, contradictory and rather subjective concept of love. A definition for love always tends to precede its actuality so that it can exist as a valid and comprehensible concept.

Biological texts view love to be an animalistic drive, similar to hunger or thirst.They view it as a function to keep human beings together against menaces and facilitate the continuation of the species. Psychological texts, on the other hand, view it as a social and cultural phenomenon and hence regard it as an explicit human attribute. From a cultural or social viewpoint, love again has a plethora of definitions. While Western love encourages the emotion to blossom from a very young age, does not differentiate it from lust and indicates it to be rather impulsive and individualistic, Oriental or Eastern love is all about wisdom, maturity, restraint and the importance of an emotional connect over physical intimacy.

If love was indeed actual, why would we need the words on a marriage certificate to validate its existence between a man and a woman? You may have heard the story of a man who was deeply in love and happily married, but turn the page and see that his wife probably wasn't.Why would the numbers printed on the currency notes of a man's bank account or the letters next to his name - Phd, MBA, CFA, MBBS increase his chances to win his lady's heart? Why does beauty allow love to bloom faster than 'ugliness'? Probably because generations of text has spoon-fed us into loving the wealthy and the familiar, as opposed to the poor and the bizarre.

We feel the need to reach out for an Archies greeting card or celebrate a commercially driven Valentine's day or send a rather long and verbose SMS forward to express our deepest feelings of romantic love. But next time take care to actually read the message before hitting the send button or else you could land up with a text like ' I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here'. Where would we be without Walt Disney's fairytales, Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet or even the country of France and its language French - considered to be the language of love. Because let's face it, if you have to seduce a stranger with your words, a French phrase may serve you better than a Bhojpuri pick up line.

Political texts also have a role to play in defining love. While political manifestos of ruling parties in certain African/Middle eastern countries consider homosexuality as a criminal activity punishable by death, in India we have actually taken a step forward to frame a Constitutional Act to recognize homosexual love. So next time I'm wondering 'does he love me? does he love me not?' I'll just pick up the Indian Constitution because apparently it contains great love advice. When it comes to religious texts, Meerabai's devotion towards Lord Krishna is considered ideal but when a fundamentalist hijacks a plane and flies it into a government building, taking his own life and the lives of thousand others - we strongly condemn it. But if his religious text tells him that the love for his God is greater than the love for his own life or those of his fellow beings, do we call him a terrorist or the most ardent lover that the world has ever seen? Such confusion would probably not arise if love was indeed actual, and not textual.

The Great Indian Family love has for generations led us to deny the abuse that runs in Indian families - whether it's domestic violence, child abuse, honor killing, female foeticide or marital rape. The popular retaliation against such claims is that such evils are concentrated mainly in the poor and illiterate families due to lack of awareness and knowledge. Then the assumption clearly is that it is education and literacy that teaches us how to love and respect - thereby proving again that love is textual and not actual.

Does true love or friendship lie in forgiving or forgetting or in getting hot blooded revenge to teach the straying lover the lesson of a lifetime, all for the greater cause of love. We've all grown up hearing the phrase ' If you love someone, set them free, they come back then they are yours, if not then they were never yours to begin with' - what if we start a Facebook petition demanding that 'if you love someone,set them free and if they come back, set them on fire' because what were they thinking, leaving in the first place?! This campaign would probably see the next few generations sharpening their 'Uma Thurman Kill Bill' claws even before they were born.

'Love is the wisdom of the fool and the folly of the wise' - a curious puzzle with a new piece being added every day to the jumble. In such a situation, we have forgotten to close our eyes and reach for what is inside and instead have allowed ourselves to be increasingly hypnotized by the popular campaign of love that is incessantly preached by society and commerce.All in the form of text of course, to influence and mould our emotions even before the first heartbeat is taken. The time has arrived for us to read less, listen less and follow less - all we need is to think more, write more, ask more, live more and hopefully, love a lot more.

The Solo Office Luncheon Adventure

Tight deadlines, fluctuating schedules, sudden hanger pangs, lunch bags packed with home cooked food,  diverse preferences, colleagues scattered all over a ginormous campus and a host of other factors have contributed to my recent mastery of the art of a Solo Office Lunch.  A taboo subject with most people (especially ladies), I seem to have crossed the barrier of ‘staring hard at cellphone screen while eating in order to appear busy’ and confidently arrived at ‘taking a table bang in the middle of the food court so as to shamelessly observe the multitudes while chomping on a chicken bone loudly’. While I am incredibly proud of my progress, I still succumb to the temptation of treating the event as a chore that needs to be hurriedly completed. And that is where I disappoint myself - for food has always been a leisure activity for me and the presence of company, or lack thereof, should not prove to be a dominating damper on my culinary entertainment.

So today, I decided to push the envelope. Instead of purchasing a coupon from a regular counter, occupying the nearest available seat and eating an often eaten meal, I decided to have a Solo Lunch in grand style.  I had skipped breakfast and was incredible hungry and a monotonous lunch would not satisfy me today. So I decided to go in for the capital treatment believing it would not turn into capital punishment.

Rajdhani is a fancy vegetarian chain of restaurants and due to its brand name, it has been given a special seating section in our food court - cordoned off with blue ribbons, special steel crockery (a huge plate with six bowls and a glass), table napkins, an elegant counter to make an exorbitant payment and a group of waiters to serve and observe you. It is the ideal place for large team lunches or romantic dates in the middle of an otherwise noisy and stampede prone food court. Today I was ready to challenge my own inhibitions and sample the reputed cuisine and make a celebration out of an ordinary Solo Lunch. Needless to say I received a wide array of responses, which are worth sharing with all of you :)

Partial Deafness Syndrome – This is usually exhibited by the maitre ‘d/restaurant manager the moment you enter and ask ‘Do you serve lunch for one person?’. Rest assured, he has heard you clearly the first time around. Yet he will always feel the need to ask you to repeat yourself. This is either meant to tickle his invisible funnybone or satiate his incredulous disbelief.

The Giggles – This sound will accompany you all the way to the seating table and will emanate from the adolescent male staff who have never seen a lady willingly eat alone. The giggles increase when the head waiter is trying to figure out how to seat the lady honorably at a table meant for six.

The Sympathy Stare – This expression is found on the ageing staff members or usually the chef’s team – they attribute this situation to some misfortune in the lady’s previous life and take it upon themselves to compensate for her assumed loneliness by stuffing her with enough food, capable of making a buffalo explode.

The Serving Enthusiasm syndrome – How many waiters would it take to serve 1 lady who has a normal appetite and eats at a not too fast pace? You think the answer would be 1 but you would change your mind when you see the number of helping hands hovering around the table. This is due to the staff;s mental tendency of ‘hey there’s something a little bizarre happening at my boring workplace today and I want to be close to the action’. Irritating? Not at all. In fact the Serving Enthusiasm syndrome often contributes to the lady getting a taste of ‘Minor Celebrity in Spotlight’ syndrome.

The ‘Have No Real Purpose’ Stare – This will commence once the lady starts eating and will continue throughout the meal. After a point of time, the source of the staring has also forgotten why he is staring since the event has become progressively boring. But the law of inertia affects us all and what we start, we often find impossible to stop.

The Embarrassed Acquaintance – This phenomenon is almost always a lucky/unlucky coincidence. The moment you decide to have a solo lunch in peace and style, someone you know will land up at the same venue with a group of friends. What follows is a big wave from your end (a greeting, not an invitation) and a very embarrassed look from the other end – this look is usually a combination of embarrassment (do I actually know this weirdo) and pity (hey maybe I should check up on her tomorrow so that she doesn’t need to eat a sorry lunch alone). Either way, it always puts the lady at ease because the embarrassment burden has now shifted. You are now no longer the most embarrassed and conscious person at the venue.

Admiring Envinions – This can originate from any gender and though rare, it is a tremendous boost to the self-esteem. During the course of your Solo Lunch, you will receive a few admiring/envious stares from people who have often dreamt of a grand lunch alone but have never found the confidence to implement their unfulfilled dream. Smile back at these people because you are their inspiration now.

The Unexpected Phone Call – If you are wallowing in self pity and are desperately waiting for the phone to ring, it never will. Just sit back and relax and enjoy your meal – remember that you deserve a nice lunch without getting affected by public judgment and prying eyes. The moment you start easing into the activity, your phone screen may light up and bring a smile to your face. Either it’s a call from a loved one far away or your colleague at her office desk, determined to eat a solo snack in the privacy of her own cubicle due to lack of company as well. The last leg of your culinary journey receives an unexpected twist when you can tempt her to join you thereby saving a fellow member from an unsatisfactory meal. Life is unpredictable!

At the end of this rather amusing journey, I achieved what I originally set out to do. I had a fantastic meal, savored some new cuisine, enjoyed 30 minutes of peace in an otherwise stressful day and came back to my desk recharged and happy.  And to top it all, I was thoroughly entertained! Now compare this to ‘grabbing hold of some cheap company for the sake of a public appearance and spending your hard earned lunch break in totally misery as your companion eats your brain alive with mindless chatter’ – and you will also learn to embrace and love the concept of the Solo Office Lunch.

Disclaimer – This article is not meant to indicate that only male staff members/passerby s will exhibit above reactions. Women stare harder, sometimes without blinking, for longer stretches of time.

Eyes

A dark winter evening
the chill in the air
made more ominous
by the stern silhouette
of the looming mountains
standing like comrades
arm in arm
I am unable to decipher
where one mountain ends and the other begins
the fog drawing a blindfold over my eyes
yet I keep staring
and the mountains blink first
A blink here, two blinks there
I avert my gaze accordingly
following the trail of winks
but then there are too many
and I give up
and surrender to the spectacle
a panorama of golden eyes embedded
in the mountains' chest
Vehicles makes their way through the hilly roads
swerving, turning
flashing their headlights
to avert disaster
signalling to their fellow drivers
You are not alone
in tonight's tumultuous journey
we will all conquer the mountains
one meter at a time
headlights, indicators
yellow car lamps
but all I can see are the mountains
and their eyes
looking at me
Blinking, whispering. 

The Seagull and the Turtle

A love story of the ocean

Rinsed by sea spray and white surf

Fuelled by sunlight warming the blue waters

Music created by the clattering sea shells

The seagull, beautiful and majestic

Born to be free

Flying to exotic shores

Addicted to speed, to solitude

A life filled with adventure but an empty heart

Until it meets the turtle

Swimming just below the surface

The turtle, wise and calm

Moving slowly, ageing forever

An aquatic explorer

A heart full of the ocean’s secrets

So much to share, to care

The seagull and the turtle

His passion and her patience

His impulsiveness and her sentimentality

His flight and her strokes

Wings and flippers

Perfectly in sync

Until one day

When the seagull in his relentless journey

Spots a foreign shore

Glittering, tempting

He is drawn towards it

Driven to explore

Farther and farther he flies

Leaving the turtle behind

She cries out for attention, he ignores her

His own mission is far more important

Excitedly he reaches his destination

Only to discover

The light that beckoned to him

Is but a swarm of fireflies

a family of insects, getting together for dinner

He is an uninvited guest, he cannot stay

So the seagull flies back

But the turtle has disappeared

She has dived into the deep currents

Unwilling to wait for him any longer

This time he waits, willingly

But she does not surface

And the seagull circles overhead

Calling out to her

His cries fall on deaf waves

And the seagull moves on

He lives a full and healthy life

He doesn’t die of sorrow

But the most tender, the most delicate feather

On his white body

Blackened and died

Unnoticed

The day the seagull lost the turtle

to the vast ocean.